Right. Why my thoughts are currently preoccupied by fantasies of being marooned on a desert island, I do not know. Possible hints of disturbing underlying psychosis, but thought it could create amusing procrastination game. Yes, not original, but the definitive game. If You Were Marooned On A Desert Island, What 10 Items Would You Take And Why? Needs a snappier title, but you get the gist of it. It's fun asking people this and seeing them struggle to think of some remarkable object that somehow would simultaniously provide food, shelter and fight off a man-eating shark, when my first thought is of a can opener. So, as we preceed to a far, far off place...

If You Were Marooned On A Desert Island, What 10 Items Would You Take (And Why)?

1) A can opener - Yes, I was serious. Has man thought of a more ingenious invention? Well, yes, but this is a fabulous novelty one, possibly with an inbuilt bottle opener shaped like a dolphin. Handly little blade for... useful stuff (cutting things and, if driven to, self). Either this, or small knife. Practical, indeed, but just not the fun to be had.

2) Coffee - Because life is not worth living without this commodity.

3) A lighter - To create fires for purpose and amusement.

4) CD Player with accompanying CDs of varying annoyingness - After all, one needs music for entire mood spectrum; boredom, apathy, lethargy and indifference.

5) A calendar - To maintain basic level of sanity, observe days of religious significance (including own birthday) and cross off days until inevitable boredom-induced suicide. In that case, maybe a pin up calendar. Might as well drag out the torture, in which case...

6) A vibrator - Does this need an explanation? Anyone who says love and companionship are their true goals in life are full of crap, and probably have never had an orgasm.

7) Laptop - This has got to be an internet with a wi-fi point, because otherwise there is no reason to be alive. Electricity? Pfft. Shh.

8) A giant sombrero - Everyone needs to have a laugh, and no-one in their right mind can keep a straight face when confronted with a giant novelty hat. No-one.

9) An anorak - The one time I will fall prey to this ugly predator of practical outerwear. After all, nobody will see it, right? Doubles up as handy shelter, sleeping bag and deterrent to the fashion conscious.

10) A gun - Come on, no matter what you're stranded with, life just is not worth living without access to civilisation and Jeremy Kyle on weekdays.